Holiday after holiday, what do hardware freaks end up with? Well, for my part, I have a small library of unread Internet joke books and Dilbert collections, all of which my family thought would be "just perfect, because we know you like computers so much." And let's not get started on mousepads. Here's a free clue to our families. What refrigerator magnets are to electricians, what calendars are to real estate and insurance salespeople, mousepads are in the computer world. Everyone puts their logo on one and passes them out like massage parlor ads in Manhattan. I feel I can speak for all of us when I say that we don't need any more mousepads. Worse still are personalized mouse pads, usually with pictures of the kids or spouse. If we wanted to stare at our mute relatives we wouldn't be at our computers, we'd be down at the supper table where the rest of American families ignore one another.

As for the little desktop tchotchkes and "computer supplies," don't bother with those either. DRAM chips in the shape of multi-legged insects named "Computer Bug" were cute for a nanosecond in 1995 but not anymore. And while we're being honest, it's also time to reveal the truth about those teeny, tiny keyboard vacuums that are supposed to save us from dusty keys. Computer vacuums are like holiday fruitcakes. There are only a handful actually in existence and no one really uses them. Computer owners just leave them in the original bubble packs and pass them on as gifts to the next poor sap at the earliest opportunity.

Fed up and unabashed, not to mention ass-deep in Dilbert books, as I am, this year I have tried defensive wish-listing. To avoid any misunderstandings among my gift-giving acquaintances, I am issuing unambiguous, explicit instructions for the tech-ignorant gift-givers among us. Do I sound greedy? Is it inconsiderate to put my family and friends through my picky requests? Okay, I admit some guilt about sending my loved ones into the hell that is high tech sales. Conversing with superstore sales help (and I use the word "help" advisedly), is one of the under-reported blights a high-tech society must suffer. Working the aisles of the local CompAmericaCyberCity outlet is the 21st century version of "flipping burgers," a haven for heavily body-pierced teens who somewhere along the line must have decided that getting a frontal lobotomy was just another cool form of body piercing. "Gee, I didn't know we carried that item" "Does Microsoft even make joysticks?" "Sure, you could order one from Gateway or Dell, but will you get our sterling service department of hung-over Comp Sci freshmen who get your machine back to you in…three weeks?" "Want fries with that…er…I mean an extended warranty with that?"