Simon & Schuster scraped the bottom of the barrel this week and released Panty Raider: From Here To Immaturity thus making gamers everywhere feel dirty and violated. Panty Raider challenges gamers to portray a human working for evil alien teens who want to collect 'nekkid' pictures of poorly animated female models. Like the infinitely better Pokemon Snap for the Nintendo 64 (where you snap pictures of monsters), you've got to entice (using rewards) women to take off their clothes and then snap pictures of them in their lingerie. You get points based on how good the pictures turn out. Wheee... Personally I'm against the whole premise of this sort of game and I urge readers to avoid buying it. Why? Because it's from the people who made Deer Avenger. Deer Avenger is utter crap; therefore Panty Raider will be utter crap. I always urge my readers to avoid buying utter crap. Which leads to the next story....

John Romero's morbidly anticipated Daikatana was finally released last Monday. Literally tens of people stormed local shops to buy the game. Most were apparently quite happy to "suck it down" but found that being made John Romero's "bitch" wasn't quite what they thought it would be.

"When I first heard that John was going to make me his 'bitch', 'lo those many years ago, I thought he was referring to how bad-ass the game would be. You know it would, like, 'kick my ass or something,'" lamented Investment Banker Shawn J. Strand. "I didn't realize it meant he wanted to take my money and leave me with this empty void, I feel really violated."

When reached for comment, lead-developer and professional buck-passer John Romero claimed "Daikatana is the best game I've ever made," which proves conclusively that Romero, despite making them, never actually played his Wolfenstein 3D, Doom, Doom 2, Heretic, Hexen and Quake. Also, the game seems to have been renamed. It is now called "John Romero's Daikatana"... who does he think he is, Sid Meier?

As a side note it has come to my attention that Daikatana will be delayed in Britain until June 16th. Attention British readers, this is a good thing, read American reviews closely.