Varatouch Inc. has announced tiny joysticks for PDAs, cell phones and other small electronic devices. You know, so you can play flight simulators, driving games and arcade titles with a tiny joystick on your tiny LCD screen and really annoy all the people around you. Face facts people, nothing says “geek and loser” more than playing crappy little cell phone and PDA games in public and nothing says it more definitively than using a tiny joystick to do it.

(Note: I've drawn the line at $20 and removed expansion packs (unless they appear alone), to avoid recently price-cut older games, overly repetitious jokes and shovel ware crap from skewing the results.)

1. Command & Conquer - Red Alert 2: Westwood/EA
Sharky Game reviewer Tom Chick called this game a likable puppy he just couldn't kick. It's a charming metaphor. So, even though I've never played the game I also can't make fun of it here. I like puppies too much.

2. Roller Coaster Tycoon - Microprose/Hasbro
Every single person on Earth owns a copy but I'm willing to bet 90% of them don't know how to level the landscape and actually build a functioning roller coaster.

3. The Sims – Maxis/EA
Remember when you used to make fun of your sister's dollhouse and Barbies? What the hell are you doing playing this game then you hypocrite?!

4. (5) Barbie Pet Rescue - Mattel
Remember when you used to make fun of your sister's dollhouse and Barbies? What the hell are you doing playing this game then, you hypocrite?!

5. (PCD#8) Diablo 2 – Blizzard/Havas
A couple million broken mice can't be wrong!

6. (PCD#11) Age of Empires 2:The Conquerors – Ensemble/Microsoft
Ensemble's wonderful Age of Empires, relentlessly conquering the world, one hard drive at a time.

7. (PCD#12) MS Flight Simulator 2000 – Microsoft
Thankfully, when this plane crashes, and it occasionally does, nobody dies.

8. (PCD#15) Hoyle Casino – Hasbro
It's no fun losing at real gambling. That's for sure. Guess what? It's also no fun winning at fake gambling.

9. (PCD#16) Unreal Tournament – Epic/Infogrames
Online fragging got you down? Are they beating up on you too much? Feeling sad and unskilled. Unreal Tournament has the best bots in the business. This one isn't only a solid multiplayer game; it's a hell of a single player shooter as well.

10. (PCD#17) Delta Force: Land Warrior - Novalogic
Just because the military uses it for its amazing ability to render outdoor environments and incredible tactical vistas, doesn't mean you have to make the same mistake.

TGIF and TTFN and remember, you can't leave without your buddy Superfly.

BIO
Andrew is a professional journalist working in the PC entertainment field. He mocks because of his abiding love for the industry and his wise-ass upbringing. So, keep a sense of humor, even if you find his lacking. Comment? Critique? Vendetta? News Tip? Write him.